November 8th, 2024

Rotting Inside and Out

Lost Without Family

Recently the last close family member that I truly felt like I had a bond that was bound by blood has passed away. It wasn’t too surprising due to the nature of how I was raised but it still has been very upsetting. She was also the only family member that knew I was trans. Despite our differences, she still supported me and loved me. She even encouraged me which was surprising. The name “Mary” was her suggestion and now I feel more confident than ever to stick with this name. Now she has taken that secret to the grave and I am left with a family that I don’t understand nor wish to connect with since I fear they will despise me once my identity is revealed.

I know a lot of people say that family isn’t everything. For the most part, they're absolutely right. These people you are linked to by blood are arbitrary. Their actions are not your own and it always makes me sad to see when people trip over themselves again and again trying to help a family who refuses to change and grow. It makes me sick. Even the saying “Blood is thicker than water” is misinterpreted due to the phrase being shortened. The original phrase was “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb.” Which means the family you choose will always be stronger than the family you are born into.

The logical side of me knows this to be true. However, the events of the past few weeks have still made me a mess of emotions. I may not be invested and connected with my family but it hurts my heart to know that with the death of this family member, I may find myself alone in terms of family bonds until I find a romantic partner. No one will be there if I start fucking up my life. Friends usually only have so much energy to lend a hand. When things get rough, and people start acting like assholes, it’s common for friends to decide to abandon the situation because it’s really not their responsibility.

This is a totally valid response but it’s a response I almost never see with families even in my own shitty family. Family members stick together even when it sucks and it’s frustrating. It is kind of beautiful and it hurts my heart that I will lose this foundation that protects so many people. It’s issues like this that really grows my desire to distance myself from others. As these unique problems compound and layer on top of each other, I find myself in a complicated situation that I wish to analyze a bit in this blog.

Trapped Inside a Body

I am transgender and I know I am stating the obvious, but being trans really sucks and has been making me depressed far longer than I even realized. I started to notice the distaste in my body changing around puberty. As I grew older these changes made me feel worse and worse. I wouldn’t say that I was “born in the wrong body” but more so that my body was actively changing into a more distressing and uncomfortable form which I had assumed at the time was just teenage puberty sucking like it does for most people.

It wasn’t until I was working at my second internship that I realized something was very wrong. Not only had these feelings gotten worse, but my efforts to mitigate them only added to the issue. “Oh I don’t like my body? I’ll just work out.” led to bigger arms that caused me distress. “Oh I hate my facial hair and body hair… I’ll just shave.” led to comments about how I looked better with the hair on my body. Nothing was working and nobody had good advice.

These issues led me to disregard my own health and dive into my work an obsessive amount. I didn’t care what happened to me and I especially didn’t care if it made my body sick. It’s not like I cared about my body anyways so who cares if it’s worked to the point of starvation and vomiting. I only groomed myself so I could keep up appearances but inside I was rotting day by day.

Eventually I was administered to the psych ward. Honestly it was pretty nice. Since they take away your phone and contact with the outside world you are given a lot of time to think and reflect. I remember being barefoot in the bathroom staring into a mirror. Staring at my face thinking about what was the root of a lot of this hatred towards myself. It was there I realized that I was trans.

Trapped Inside an Identity

I’ve worked hard on my body since realizing I was trans. Getting HRT, working out, make up, etc. However on top of this I find myself with a unique problem. I feel fundamentally trapped in the old identity and reputation I have built for so long as a game developer and student. I know this is kind of a stupid issue that I should let go but it’s really challenging.

I am known as this workaholic and charismatic guy who is obsessed with their passion for game development. That is all good but the fact that people have known me as a certain gender and a specific name for so long makes me so afraid to go public. I am so afraid of losing the network I’ve built up and also stunting my own success by having people’s unconscious bias around trans people affect me. It paralyzes me.

I don’t feel like I fit in with most LGBTQ groups either. To be honest, if there was a way to make myself not trans I would do it. My life is hard enough from poverty. Adding this issue just makes it worse. I know I should not feel this way. I should be happy that I am progressing into a happier self and I am somewhat satisfied with my progress. I am genuinely happier about my body than I’ve ever been before.

The pain doesn’t end though. I am so deathly afraid. I wish people didn’t care so much. I just want to live my life in peace. If the recent American election has told me anything, it’s that there are a lot more people filled with hate than I first realized. We live in a cruel world.

Unable to be Mentally Ill

Recently, it feels like I have no choice but to start disregarding my own health in order to stay alive. My family is dead and I am not allowed to mourn because work has to be done. Professors have barely given me accommodations despite my pleas and emails far in advance. It feels like I am being punished for just existing in a shitty situation. I am not even allowed to ponder my own suicidal ideation as my college intervenes at the mere sight of the thought. This would be a reasonable response but it feels like my college really does not give a shit about my mental health. They just know that each student that commits suicide makes their image looks bad. It feels more like damage control than anything.

I’m just so exhausted. I know I have to keep going, but it’s so incredibly hard. I feel so alone, and I wish life would stop hurting me this much. The mantra of everyone saying “You have to live” just doesn’t help. I’m so tired of this responsibility. I wish I could just rest. I wish I could just exist.